I admit it, I'm needy.

Total Honesty Time.

I am a sad, desperate, needy creature.

There, I said it.  Whew, what a relief getting that off my chest.

I am starving for love.  I get lonely in this home all alone when everything I love is many miles away.

As many of you are aware, I am undergoing chemotherapy for Stage IV colon cancer.  One of the wonderful (italicized to indicate sarcasm) gifts that come with chemotherapy is Chemo Brain, the semi-uncontrollable emotions and occasional short term memory issues the poisons bring.

I am usually an emotional wreck for several days post treatment.  Now that I am back to work again after 3 months off, I do my best to NOT think about things which could potentially trigger an emotional outpouring (usually manifested through crying like a toddler).  In order to assist me in combating this issue, I have started hand-copying the Psalms in a composition notebook to help my mind focus on something which calms and strengthens me.  Granted, I started at Psalm 1 and am writing them out in order as the need arises, but I tend to read Psalms often to help me focus as well.

Today, I was reading Psalm 86; in particular, verses 1-5 (KJV):

"Bow down thine ear, O Lord, hear me: for I am poor and needy. Preserve my soul; for I am holy: O thou my God, save thy servant that trusteth in thee.  Be merciful unto me, O Lord: for I cry unto thee daily.  Rejoice the soul of thy servant: for unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul. For thou, Lord, art good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon thee."

After reading this and thinking about it for a bit and how very applicable it is to my current condition, the inner voice in my head (the one which can actually carry a tune) was singing the hymn "I Need Thee Every Hour."

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

I need Thee, O I need Thee;Every hour I need Thee;O bless me now, my Savior,I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh.

I need Thee, O I need Thee;Every hour I need Thee;O bless me now, my Savior,I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.

I need Thee, O I need Thee;Every hour I need Thee;O bless me now, my Savior,I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.

I need Thee, O I need Thee;Every hour I need Thee;O bless me now, my Savior,I come to Thee. 

Lyrics by Annie Hawks, Music by Robert Lowry

This song sums up my needs.

I need Thee, Lord.  I am powerless to do this on my own.  Only You can strengthen me to face this.  I am a small child crying for my Father to hold me.  I am lost and needing direction, and only You can light my way.

Consider it Wholly Joyful...

Again, there is a theme running in my life.  I get the confirmation through voices in my head (not literal "voices" but the figurative type as I read the words of others who are sharing similar messages).  Several weeks ago, the theme was the Power of Our Words and it was everywhere surrounding me.

Right now, the theme is from James 1: 2-4, "Joy through the Trials/Tempations."

From the Amplified Bible:

Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.  Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.  But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.

Amplified Bible (AMP) Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation 

NOT to call attention to myself or to make what I am going through seem greater than that of what any of you may be experiencing, but I think I have A LOT of perfecting to do based on what I feel of the weight of these things on me.

I put on a brave face.  I have a wonderful public persona of the "Overcomer" when I am at the Dr.'s office or receiving chemo.  I never let on that I am struggling sometimes.  Ok, it is not a struggle with the physical.  I have been quite blessed that the side effects with which I am dealing are generally light and, while inconvenient, not too bad (onset of Peripheral Neuropathy, cold sensitivity with beverages, minor mouth sores, general fatigue).

My greatest nemesis through all this, so far, has been the Chemo brain. It makes me hypersensitive to things emotionally (usually manifests through crying a lot over really nothing). I DO NOT like the feeling of being out of control. Chemo brain is a private hell, which unfortunately for those who are staying with me, I am sharing.

From the time I joined the military nearly 23 years ago, I have done much better with structure and schedules in my life than chaos.  I KNOW I am not in control (God IS), and I have to relinquish my plans for His.  I just would like some semblance of structure, in whatever little way I can.

My words are not really coming to me today (another issue with Chemo brain).  Instead, I will refer you to a posting from this morning by another individual I read The Preachers Word by Ken Weliever.  He stated it much more concisely than I am currently able to do.  Please take a moment and visit his corner of the web.

Ken closed his post out with the following quote, attributed to anonymous.  I think it is very fitting and sums up things nicely, so I will share it as well:

I asked God for strength and he gave me the difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for wisdom and He gave me problems to solve.
I prayed for prosperity and God gave me the brain and brawn to work.
I requested courage, and He gave me danger to overcome.
I asked for love and God gave me troubled people to help.
I prayed for favors and God gave me opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted, but I received everything I needed.

Just remember to be thankful when you are confronting something.  God has a plan in it, and it will be for your good.

Dear Lord, help me to understand that Your ways are better than my ways.  I do not need to know why, just that You have placed these things in my life for a reason, and for my development.  Thank You for knowing what I need before I even ask and providing it to me even when it is not what I have requested.  

Yesterday...

Today will be a good day.  God loves me, forgives me, heals me, and redeems me (Ps 103).  God has strengthened me against all things that confront me, especially myself!

I will be very honest with you.  Yesterday, I had a segement of the day that was VERY BAD.  A combination of chemo brain, emotions, negative thoughts, fear, and general malaise brought me to a place where I did not want to be.  The worst thing about it is how I handled it.  With my (x)Wife and kids here visiting, I didn't want to appear weak or let them see me crying.  I, at first, went to my bedroom for a few minutes hoping that would allow me to reign in my emotions, but then realized I needed more time and space so I sat on my front porch while they were all inside.

Some of you might not see the issue here.  Historically, (and I HATE to think on who I was) I bottled up emotions and was not a talker.  I would separate myself from everyone and just let it be.  This was one of many issues which contributed to the failure of my marriage.  With my (x)Wife visiting, this was a terrible way to handle things, since it merely reflected who I was (which is a reason I am divorced) and not who I am (someone who has been changed and wants another chance with the woman I will never stop loving).

After I sat battling the monsters alone on the front porch for a while, my (x)Wife came out and we talked.  She told me it is alright to cry in front of them.  They understand I am going through things and chemo brain doesn't help.  She chastised me for reverting to my "old" method of handling things.  She helped me navigate the mine field and get to a place where I was functional again.  She shared God's promises and truth with me and "got my mind right," as the warden in 'Cool Hand Luke" would say when removing someone from the 'Box.'

The 'Box' was where the prisoners were segregated in confined spaces and stifling temperatures as the box was exposed to the sun with no shade or cooling for them.  It was for punishment.  That is what I compare the place I go to when I start falling apart: the 'Box'.  Not a good place.

I will admit, even though I am generally asymptomatic, and not really experiencing the ravaging effects of the chemo therapy, I am getting weary from this battle.  It has changed my life drastically, and I know it is all for "good" (Romans 8:28), but I am tired.

Hebrews 4:8-10 (KJV):

There remaineth therefore a rest to the people of God.  For he that is entered into his rest, he also hath ceased from his own works, as God did from his.  Let us labour therefore to enter into that rest, lest any man fall after the same example of unbelief.

These verses continue the theme of 'entering into the rest' of God which began in the previous chapter and discuss the Children of Israel during the Exodus and their constant (over 40 years anyway) 'testing of, and proving of God when they saw His works those 40 years' yet still there was unbelief.  In God's wrath at their hardened hearts and unbelief, He swore they would not enter into His rest.

I am challenged, by wanting to believe God's promises since I have seen the work of His hands (and I DO!!), knowing there is work to be done yet by God through me, and wanting to enter into His rest.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for providing me the strength I need to get through a bad day.  Thank you for providing me with my (x)Wife who helped me out of the bad place by just reminding me of the things You have told me.  Thank you for the promises of, one day, entering into Your rest.

Rejoice and be glad.

Chemo Brain

Not really sure what is going to happen from one moment to the next.  My thoughts and emotions hit the ups and downs at a nearly feverish pace.  My mind will start racing down a track in pursuit of a new fresh idea, then I will find myself staring at the wall wondering what I was doing.  I will be in the middle of a joyous conversation having a good time, then the tears will start for no reason.

Welcome to Chemo-Brain.  It is nice to know that the poisons that are being pumped into my body are affecting more than just the invaders trying to take over; they are slowly causing me to believe I am partly emotionally unstable and pretty much completely mad the rest of the time.

Today, I allowed doubt and negative talk to enter a text conversation and am thankful I was immediately slapped down with Truth.  I need to practice what 2 Corinthians 10:5 (KJV) teaches:

"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;"

Keeping my mind from wandering, and focusing on things that are contrary to what God has told me to be true, I need to examine every thought so I can obey the truths I have been given and do what I know to be right.


Powerful stuff.  


Now if I can just figure out how to keep from bursting into tears...