What, me a writer?

"It was a dark and stormy night..."

Sadly, the current generation of children will probably not recognize this phrase as the perpetual opening line of Snoopy's "Great American Novel."  Yet another pop culture reference slowly lost to the passage of time.

I am not intending to write about Snoopy's plight as an author, but just sort of tangented in that direction.  (Darn chemo brain!)

The real message I am trying to convey today is that after a month and a half or so of operating this blog, and right around 60 posts, I still do not feel like a writer.  I am ever amazed that anyone actually reads what I often consider inane babblings.  I am even more amazed that someone would willingly come back for more, and encourage me to keep writing.

Do not get me wrong, I am thankful that perhaps I have been able to share a word or two which you may have found useful or that may have helped you in some way.  I am very thankful of being used by God in any way.  But, ultimately, this blog is for me.  A way to journal what is going through my mind.  A way to try to keep things firing on all cylinders, to keep as sharp as I can. A way to reinforce what God is showing me and/or trying to teach me (even the lessons that require a boot to the head).

I try to be transparent.  I really do, and for the most part I have been VERY open and honest.  There are some things that I am holding back, not so much to conceal them, but more like the time has not been right just yet.  We are still early in our relationship, I don't want to drop any deal breakers so soon. I want you to want me so much you can over look some areas of my imperfection (even to empathize with me).

I know the day is coming when I will open the flood gates and let it all pour out, but for now we will take things a little slower though I still talk too much and over-share sometimes.

So, I have a couple questions for those of you who have been doing this a lot longer than I:

• Do you feel you are a "natural born writer"? 
• If not, at what stage did you realize you had become a writer?
• Have you transitioned from it being a hobby and now it is a business to you?
• Even though this is a personal journey blog, I sometimes find myself looking at stats and wondering why some posts do better than others.  Does that mean I am becoming vain or merely developing my desire in appealing to an "audience"?

IF you have answers to these, I would appreciate some input.  Thank you.

As I sign off for today, I wish to leave you with a quote one of my favorite bloggers posted yesterday (Thanks you 'Chelle at Treat Me to a Feast):

"Be courageous and try to write in a way that scares you a little." ~Holley Gerth

Departure Part #3

#2 Relationship: Not rebuilding last marriage, making it new.

Doesn't really seem like much of a surprise does it?  I mention it frequently enough.

I am 43 years old and divorced due to (and while my wonderful wife will accept blame for things as well, I own it all since I failed to lead, failed to love, failed to cherish her) me being a selfish man who did not know what he was doing: my ignorance/apathy towards what I had and paying attention only to my desires and goals above all others.

It has been over three and a half years that we have not been living together and almost three years since the "official" dissolution of marriage was signed. I have remained in the New Mexico/Texas area and my wife and children live in Georgia.

I have been living this time in a state of what too many men look at as freedom, when it is actually a prison: a prison of memories, holding me captive to my actions/inaction that lead to this imprisonment. I have let that all go. I am no longer the man who was in that relationship. I have changed-hopefully for the better. I know what I want, and that is my wife and children in my life full time. To live, love, and laugh with them daily.

I never stopped loving my wife, even when I had forgotten how for so long, even when I was selfishly angry at what "she had done by leaving ME." After the years we had shared, there will always be something there deep down. On the several visits to see our children as I clumsily attempted to exercise my visitation rights, it was hard to see her during the exchange because it always stirred up feelings and emotions I had tried to suppress, but it was worse the one time she was not there for the exchange and I could not see her-the longing to see her was the worst.

Having to seriously reevaluate what is important to me (in a big way from the diagnosis, but also a process I have been undergoing for the past almost 2 years), I know I need my family together again. I know it should have never separated (but what has happened is past). As EP (Exalted Patriarch-my father) and I had briefly texted back and forth today when generally discussing this topic, I am not looking to restore the relationship my wife and I had (it was broken), I am looking to create a new fresh relationship with my beautiful wife that has none of the old mistakes in it.

I love my wife. During this separation we did not communicate much at all. The occasional text or email, and one phone conversation which took place when it was NOT meant to (time and my mind/heart was not right). Since this past visit to my father's place and having the kids and my wife around, having had the opportunity to be a family again and enjoy each other's company, spending time together in love. I have a lot of work to do to get to know my wife again, and to love her like she deserves. I am willing to put forth that effort.

It is the most important thing I can do for our children.

I might have dumped too much here and been a bit too personal, but my goal is to live a transparent life to not hide anything from anyone.  I used to be good at keeping secrets (or so I thought), but now I do not want any.  Just live openly and honestly.