Departure Part #3

#2 Relationship: Not rebuilding last marriage, making it new.

Doesn't really seem like much of a surprise does it?  I mention it frequently enough.

I am 43 years old and divorced due to (and while my wonderful wife will accept blame for things as well, I own it all since I failed to lead, failed to love, failed to cherish her) me being a selfish man who did not know what he was doing: my ignorance/apathy towards what I had and paying attention only to my desires and goals above all others.

It has been over three and a half years that we have not been living together and almost three years since the "official" dissolution of marriage was signed. I have remained in the New Mexico/Texas area and my wife and children live in Georgia.

I have been living this time in a state of what too many men look at as freedom, when it is actually a prison: a prison of memories, holding me captive to my actions/inaction that lead to this imprisonment. I have let that all go. I am no longer the man who was in that relationship. I have changed-hopefully for the better. I know what I want, and that is my wife and children in my life full time. To live, love, and laugh with them daily.

I never stopped loving my wife, even when I had forgotten how for so long, even when I was selfishly angry at what "she had done by leaving ME." After the years we had shared, there will always be something there deep down. On the several visits to see our children as I clumsily attempted to exercise my visitation rights, it was hard to see her during the exchange because it always stirred up feelings and emotions I had tried to suppress, but it was worse the one time she was not there for the exchange and I could not see her-the longing to see her was the worst.

Having to seriously reevaluate what is important to me (in a big way from the diagnosis, but also a process I have been undergoing for the past almost 2 years), I know I need my family together again. I know it should have never separated (but what has happened is past). As EP (Exalted Patriarch-my father) and I had briefly texted back and forth today when generally discussing this topic, I am not looking to restore the relationship my wife and I had (it was broken), I am looking to create a new fresh relationship with my beautiful wife that has none of the old mistakes in it.

I love my wife. During this separation we did not communicate much at all. The occasional text or email, and one phone conversation which took place when it was NOT meant to (time and my mind/heart was not right). Since this past visit to my father's place and having the kids and my wife around, having had the opportunity to be a family again and enjoy each other's company, spending time together in love. I have a lot of work to do to get to know my wife again, and to love her like she deserves. I am willing to put forth that effort.

It is the most important thing I can do for our children.

I might have dumped too much here and been a bit too personal, but my goal is to live a transparent life to not hide anything from anyone.  I used to be good at keeping secrets (or so I thought), but now I do not want any.  Just live openly and honestly.