Thursday, November 1, 2012

To Whom It May Concern...

I'm tired; bone tired.  I am at the point where all I really want to do is lay down and sleep.  Sure, I am aware that fatigue is a part of this wonderful game called chemo, but this is getting old.

I make plans, yet can't get started on the doing of them.  I have goals which seem more and more unrealistic every day since I can't do the work to get closer to them.  I just want to rest.

I am not fulfilled at my job  (it is boring and I spend a lot of time just sitting at my desk).  I look for things to do, and have spent a bunch of time of projects for my former location (just to appear busy and to help them out some).  I want (check that: I NEED) to get back there to where I was always pressed for time to complete something, not this lackadaisical atmosphere where nothing is important until it is important (in which case it is too late to really do anything about it).

I have heard nothing on my Lateral Transfer request since submitting it, and my "boss" who was supposed to be tracking progress has not followed up (I asked about it today and he said, "oh, yeah.  I guess I should look into that.").  There are currently no job announcements which seem desirable to me, so I will not be applying for anything.

I am tired of my treatment schedule and the endless miles of driving through deserted highways from the middle of nowhere to something that resembles a small city. If I could get back to my former position, I would cut the drive to one fourth (even though I would be seeing a different doctor).  I  don't mind the idea of changing doctors, since maybe I could find one who is more supportive of alternative options instead of being resigned to make my final years "as comfortable as possible."

I know I am whining a bit today, but I haven't vented in a while so allow me this time.

I am excited to have my wife and children coming out to be with me for a while in November and through my final chemo poisoning.  I look forward to spending time with them and renewing the relationships which should have been.  I greatly desire my wife's presence since she is my peaceful place.

I "need" to find a way to get consistent with exercise.  I greatly desire it in my life as a way to burn off steam and to ensure sleep.  Building my endurance back to even where it once was will be a challenge, but I really need to get busy trying to do so.


  1. Donald, I've talked to my sisters lately (I have 3) about whining and complaining and we are of the opinion that it is not whining unless that's all you do - we HAVE to be able to express how we feel, get it out there and move on. All of this I am sure you know.

    Thank you for sharing these things - it is a reminder not to grow weary in praying and gives specific things to pray about. Cheri is precious to me which means you and the rest of your family are special by default! ;) I'll continue to pray - hang in there.

    1. Thank you Becky. I try my best to keep "those" moments to myself, but sometimes it just needs to come out. I have been labeled a stoic for the majority of my life since I rarely express my true feeling. Chemo brain has opened up the flood gates quite a bit, and I am a bit more free with my expression (mostly because I have an excuse).

      I appreciate your prayers and am wishing you the best as well.

  2. You can vent whenever you want! I see posts of people venting about things a whole lot less than what you are going through. Keeping you in my prayers and I know that you are going to get through this. Hang in there!!!