Thursday, September 6, 2012

I admit it, I'm needy.

Total Honesty Time.

I am a sad, desperate, needy creature.

There, I said it.  Whew, what a relief getting that off my chest.

I am starving for love.  I get lonely in this home all alone when everything I love is many miles away.

As many of you are aware, I am undergoing chemotherapy for Stage IV colon cancer.  One of the wonderful (italicized to indicate sarcasm) gifts that come with chemotherapy is Chemo Brain, the semi-uncontrollable emotions and occasional short term memory issues the poisons bring.

I am usually an emotional wreck for several days post treatment.  Now that I am back to work again after 3 months off, I do my best to NOT think about things which could potentially trigger an emotional outpouring (usually manifested through crying like a toddler).  In order to assist me in combating this issue, I have started hand-copying the Psalms in a composition notebook to help my mind focus on something which calms and strengthens me.  Granted, I started at Psalm 1 and am writing them out in order as the need arises, but I tend to read Psalms often to help me focus as well.

Today, I was reading Psalm 86; in particular, verses 1-5 (KJV):
"Bow down thine ear, O Lord, hear me: for I am poor and needy. Preserve my soul; for I am holy: O thou my God, save thy servant that trusteth in thee.  Be merciful unto me, O Lord: for I cry unto thee daily.  Rejoice the soul of thy servant: for unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul. For thou, Lord, art good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon thee."
After reading this and thinking about it for a bit and how very applicable it is to my current condition, the inner voice in my head (the one which can actually carry a tune) was singing the hymn "I Need Thee Every Hour."
I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.
I need Thee, O I need Thee;Every hour I need Thee;O bless me now, my Savior,I come to Thee.
I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh.
I need Thee, O I need Thee;Every hour I need Thee;O bless me now, my Savior,I come to Thee.
I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.
I need Thee, O I need Thee;Every hour I need Thee;O bless me now, my Savior,I come to Thee.
I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.
I need Thee, O I need Thee;Every hour I need Thee;O bless me now, my Savior,I come to Thee. 
Lyrics by Annie Hawks, Music by Robert Lowry

This song sums up my needs.

I need Thee, Lord.  I am powerless to do this on my own.  Only You can strengthen me to face this.  I am a small child crying for my Father to hold me.  I am lost and needing direction, and only You can light my way.

3 comments:

  1. I think we're all needy at some point and about some aspect of our lives, most of us with far less reason than you. You're blessed that you have your faith to turn to.

    Hang in there, and be well.

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  2. Ok so... It is entirely possible to have emotions like "chemo brain" without having the chemicals..... Sometimes what you write touches a part of me that brings tears as well... Sometimes happy sometimes sad but always real! I love you son.

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    Replies
    1. Very true, however, I know I can attribute the "for no reasons" experiences to the chemicals. When I have a reason, I don't need an excuse.

      I love you too, Dad.

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