Today will be a good day. God loves me, forgives me, heals me, and redeems me (Ps 103). God has strengthened me against all things that confront me, especially myself!
I will be very honest with you. Yesterday, I had a segement of the day that was VERY BAD. A combination of chemo brain, emotions, negative thoughts, fear, and general malaise brought me to a place where I did not want to be. The worst thing about it is how I handled it. With my (x)Wife and kids here visiting, I didn't want to appear weak or let them see me crying. I, at first, went to my bedroom for a few minutes hoping that would allow me to reign in my emotions, but then realized I needed more time and space so I sat on my front porch while they were all inside.
Some of you might not see the issue here. Historically, (and I HATE to think on who I was) I bottled up emotions and was not a talker. I would separate myself from everyone and just let it be. This was one of many issues which contributed to the failure of my marriage. With my (x)Wife visiting, this was a terrible way to handle things, since it merely reflected who I was (which is a reason I am divorced) and not who I am (someone who has been changed and wants another chance with the woman I will never stop loving).
After I sat battling the monsters alone on the front porch for a while, my (x)Wife came out and we talked. She told me it is alright to cry in front of them. They understand I am going through things and chemo brain doesn't help. She chastised me for reverting to my "old" method of handling things. She helped me navigate the mine field and get to a place where I was functional again. She shared God's promises and truth with me and "got my mind right," as the warden in 'Cool Hand Luke" would say when removing someone from the 'Box.'
The 'Box' was where the prisoners were segregated in confined spaces and stifling temperatures as the box was exposed to the sun with no shade or cooling for them. It was for punishment. That is what I compare the place I go to when I start falling apart: the 'Box'. Not a good place.
I will admit, even though I am generally asymptomatic, and not really experiencing the ravaging effects of the chemo therapy, I am getting weary from this battle. It has changed my life drastically, and I know it is all for "good" (Romans 8:28), but I am tired.
Hebrews 4:8-10 (KJV):
There remaineth therefore a rest to the people of God. For he that is entered into his rest, he also hath ceased from his own works, as God did from his. Let us labour therefore to enter into that rest, lest any man fall after the same example of unbelief.These verses continue the theme of 'entering into the rest' of God which began in the previous chapter and discuss the Children of Israel during the Exodus and their constant (over 40 years anyway) 'testing of, and proving of God when they saw His works those 40 years' yet still there was unbelief. In God's wrath at their hardened hearts and unbelief, He swore they would not enter into His rest.
I am challenged, by wanting to believe God's promises since I have seen the work of His hands (and I DO!!), knowing there is work to be done yet by God through me, and wanting to enter into His rest.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for providing me the strength I need to get through a bad day. Thank you for providing me with my (x)Wife who helped me out of the bad place by just reminding me of the things You have told me. Thank you for the promises of, one day, entering into Your rest.
Rejoice and be glad.